How do I prioritise?

Trigger Warning

Words of suicidal thoughts - To my Mum and Dad - I tried to chat with you about this post yesterday before I published. I know you know a lot of this already but need you to know, I’m really okay. Sharing here incase it helps others.

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Asked to empty my head. And while I know this is what I need, I’m so frightened of what I might find in there.

Working on the front step for a bit in the sun.

I know that every time I move into a new space in my home I have a gazillion thoughts, must paint that, should clean that, this is so filthy, must organise these. How on earth am I to capture it all? And what about the ones that are regular habits that need to be built, like making sure I have clean clothes for the week ahead and my son’s uniform together.

With Jesus right here with me. With the Holy Spirit flowing through me. With tears. With smells. With coffee.

Well, the way I do this is by a multitude of different things. I need all the tools I can to regulate while I do it, because I’m breaking through years and years of habits that no longer serve me. They kept me alive, quite literally. Two or three times I almost went there, with a plan to end my life. And now I still have these thoughts, but I never get as far as making a plan. They are fleeting and passing, never holding on too tight.

When you push through the old patterns and fear. Fear of the unknown, of failure, of being too much and not enough at the same time.

Stopping drinking has allowed me to manage these thoughts much better. Even writing this now I’ve stopped crying, I’m putting the overwhelm back in its box. I’m breathing deeply and my shoulders have dropped. My body is softening.

With movement. With technology. With watercolours. With prayer. With kindness. With Post-its.

I do this by continuing to move and do things, even through the tears. I pick up the pink Post-its and log it all. Basically it’s my Rainbow, my grounding, my learning. And I share it so that if anyone else feels even remotely similar, like there is so much stuff in their brain it might explode, or that there are so many things to do, so many urgent and important, never-ending things, but then there is the creative side that has incredible ideas that you can’t put down. It feels manic and dissregulated. I probably am, at times. I hold a lot. But I’m here, taking a Friday morning to put it all down. To release it and empty my brain, one chunk and one block at a time.

How — Rainbow (mine). Patent it? Push through with a Jester Pencil. With music blaring (Gospel). With God.

Once my body softened I moved on to other things. I had a great day at work, putting systems and software in place to help me keep an eye on the two large projects I hold. I made myself go out to meet some new people and some I already knew, in the female founder space, and it was quite simply invigorating. Talking about periods and how they can help us as well as hinder us. Talking code and building software. Meeting a fellow developer who is a young woman gave me tremendous hope in the business world. They are hungry for making a difference in women’s lives and aspirational about money too. Why shouldn’t they go for the millions, like every other young entrepreneur entering the space of founderdom? It was the first time the group had met up and I was so pleased I forced myself out of the door.

Now I’m back home, and I’ll go out again soon. With one major change, I shipped a small tweak to my Life Hive app, and now I can add a new block via an easy-to-use, mobile-friendly screen. So when my to-dos pop into my head I can simply add them right there and then, instead of fighting and scrolling.

I’m excited to see my son today. A brief cheap food shop, a trip to Pets at Home, and then back for some amazing cuddles and fun with a seven-year-old little genius.

I wanted to end by saying that the thoughts in my head are only that, thoughts. In my body lies the truth. The softened shoulders. No threat is here any more. I have a beautiful home, a gorgeous family and a stable income. What more can a girl need? Oh, and if she’s a massive nerd, she’ll need her laptop!

I’m on my way, and eternally grateful for the people who walk the path with me, and for the big guy in the sky who holds me in ways I can’t even articulate yet.