Overwhelm
The human mind is fascinating.
Yesterday I was in a spiral of self-doubt, shame and feeling extremely heavy. Like I was carrying the weight of the world on my own. I’m shaking my head as I write this, in disbelief that after years of therapy, work on myself and belief in the big guy, I can still get into a state like that.
You know what? It’s because I am human. I am not a witch. I am not a version of Wonder Woman or Captain Marvel. I am a daughter of God, who is transitioning into who she was always meant to be, and I forgot how to regulate. I need habits. That’s why writing each day was so helpful for me. It wasn’t just the words I put down, it was the space I created for myself.
As I sit in my parents’ summerhouse and write, I can hear the beautiful birds communicating, joyful. I can see the beauty in the garden that my parents tend to so frequently.
It was a simple text message that made me realise I’d lost some of my good habits while putting down the bad ones. Name the feeling. It was overwhelm. Then I reach for my feelings wheel and look further, see what’s really there. When my friends are going through hard things or not feeling their best, I usually reach for the wheel and talk them through it, help them name it. Interesting how I can’t always do that for myself. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think I heard that it’s psychological, you can’t coach yourself. Well, I was coached at the weekend, and I didn’t wrap it with the care that it needed. I assumed that because I’m a strong person I didn’t need to write down and process the emotions. I assumed that just by carrying on, I could cope.
There were so many messages of support and love that I received yesterday, and none of it could get through until the emotion was named. My body began to soften. I slept well. And now I’m writing with much more intention.
I found a different feelings wheel too. Anxious and overwhelmed, throw in some jealousy and shame for good measure. Fundamentally, I am sad, angry and frightened. But that’s not all I am. I am one of those fascinating people who can hold these emotions even while experiencing joy and love. It’s because I have learned to do this over the years, and it’s not as helpful as it needs to be. The processing of emotions is where I will be shifting my energy. Putting my feelings wheel on my altar, as well as my practical reminder to HALT before I make decisions. I ask myself, are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired?
On Friday, when I felt all of these at once, I ate a full tub of ice cream and watched Grey’s Anatomy until my body went numb. And here I celebrate the incredible people I have around me, the verses they sent me, the words of encouragement and the love that each person gave me.
I’m back in the room and not a blubbering mess. I’m cosy in the summerhouse and I’ll vibe-code my way to a new system that will go live next week. I’ll connect with family and get lots of hugs. Having physical touch as a love language when you are a solo mama is a kind of hardship that some won’t understand. I’ll take it though, because something tells me I’m not destined to be a solo mum for the rest of my life. I’m willing to wait for the right person to build a life with, but I have to keep living. I have too much good to add to the world, so much care to give.
I keep on keeping on, and I pick up my better habits again. My more human ones.
My gratitude for my life and the people in it is so huge that I can’t express it fully here. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here. Thank you for my life.
A new feelings wheel with love in it
My old feeling wheel that I’ll keep too.
A picture of a tree - the ones that I take a lot.
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